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Beating Off the Loneliness

by Tim de Vil

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1.
Purge-atory 02:45
2.
When the honeymoon is rich and full And the planet stops revolving When all your cares cease to be What's left is fucking boring Maybe it's those black thick-rimmed glasses Or the blue hue from the hotel TV But, you looked good tonight Like deep, deep pockets, or sunshine You know I'm not one for platitudes And idioms exhaust me, But I'm sick and tired So, if a couple slip by me, And you're keeping score Well, then you can to remind me That matching rhymes are lazy But my meter is drifting and you'd rather just be at the beach Yeah, that matching lines are lazy But my meter is drifting and you'd rather just be at the beach You’ve got those big, big, brown eyes that need clear eyes for clearing up and I’m all out of Visine but if you want the blunts then I’ve got the stuff You know how they say you can smoke yourself sober? Well, I’ve been practicing for years, I think we're getting closer Like every burnout kid Just killing time in Ipswich Picking up bad habits Like acid, sex, or arson When they should have just gone to college But the faculty forgot them You can hear them in the bathroom I swear to god, that place is haunted I swear to god, you always do this When’d you become so selfish? You say you just don't trust him That's there's just something about him But, if you don't know him, then you don't know, and you don't know you’re sorry How could you possibly form an opinion of someone you only met once at a party? But, if you can take up shields and spears and longswords and bows then I can brandish weapons, too Your anxieties and woes We'll get your big, big, big break at this rate, something has to and if you haven't figured it out, by now I don't think that I want to tell you But, I'll still be waiting I'll still be waiting for you to come save me Like I'm waiting for your kiss Like I'm waiting to exist But I'm somewhere like Wichita And you're someplace somewhere in Hell like you'll always be I think I'm supposed to be waiting for someone else
3.
If I had a time machine, I could fix everything. There'd be no more war, no more hunger, no more 24 hour news. I'd never get that parking ticket, or, live in Phoenix, and question my existence ‘cause I'd have a purpose. I'd know what my worth was. Then again, probably not Then again, I'd probably just fuck it up worse than it was. I never thought I'd be Rolling up my sleeves In the bargain bin at twenty I could dust myself off Go get a job And everything will come up daisies I could glad hand the yes men. I could stop watch re-runs. I could YouTube how to make sushi, and grow as a person. I've forgiven loved ones of trespasses, then carried resentment I've lit a bong with a cigarette on multiple occasions, out of sheer laziness I've hidden things from potential friends in hopes that they'd like me And I single-handedly dismantled a school government before I hit puberty I’m not about to offer a proverb about mistakes made and the good things mistakes can make in their wake, If I could do it all again, the truth is, I’d probably do something different, Because everything I did, I already did, it’s been done, and I’m spoiled and the scary thing is I’m probably always gonna want more
4.
Agent 6 01:18
After three days at your place, all I had to show was a rusted four-door rambler dressed in a boot and a bouquet of parking tickets. Romance is the stiff spots on the futon that we didn't have the patience or care to fold out. If you counted every brick in Encino, California you'd still come up short compared to the number of fucks I give I give, and I give, and you take me for granite I’m just a statuette lost in your garden No better than matchbox cars But at least I can sleep without a signed and framed headshot of Kevin Costner watching over me above my bed At least I didn't blame my class A drugs on my kid sister's friends Now she'll never see senior prom Now she'll never get to fuck Ted It was gonna be perfect and you ruined it You're just like your mother Except I think she cares what people think
5.
We always said things would be different-- "Once we get out of college..." "Once we get our own apartment..." We could both get grown up haircuts And play sudoku And spend our Sundays running errands There’s putting the cart before the horse Then there's hanging reins on a horse that was stillborn There’s a ray of hope but that was a life raft around the throat of a corpse And an armchair knowledge of freshman lit Doesn't give you the right to use that down your nose tone I've been waiting for Godot since the day I was born. Guess you know the best. But, you forget, that you forget the rest. We could march in staggered step holding hands through the darkness of our contempt, but, within the context of what you've had to offer so far I’d say it’s for the better if it were separate And if your taking bets on who can last the longest I can count my losses 'Cause you’re fucking flawless Maybe taking the heat for a fifth I didn’t drink isn’t a covenant wherever you come from, but Sometimes I’m on a one way bridge with a cop on my ass after I missed my exit Trying to flip a bitch without rousing suspicion you gave me directions I thought you had this And before you know it, we'll become nostalgic. and the memories will be left hidden inside of a shoebox in the closet. On a broken cassette tape, reduced to greatest hits. And I’m stuck with the bits that make me sick Can you tend a garden without your bullshit? Can you not commit? Can you not come in? Can you not come in?
6.
Eric Weiss 01:50
The last time I kissed him I was thinking about how much food I had left in the fridge And it wasn't him, or his fault at all I just didn't want to waste my free time shopping But then he left, and that was it. And now I'm stuck with twice the rent A bed too big, and so much cereal I don't know what to do with it I don't even eat breakfast And he has the nerve to call me selfish? He's the one that wanted to eat out, Knowing damn well it wasn’t in the budget and I hate crowds He listened to music way too loud Left the door open while he shits He takes too many naps recorded over my favorite shows and looked through my phone and I fucking hate him and I miss him And I fucking hate it ah, fuck this I told you that shit in confidence leave my mother out of it
7.
Big Bad 03:33
When I bite the big one life and time will move on that's part of the problem problem I'd've have never let them in had I known they'd leave Leave me such a mess I don't have the tools to screw my courage to anything at all even if I had to it's all I can do to hold up the walls I'm afraid I'll find out I'm a coward and have wasted my time wasted, worried that I wasted my time after two packs you'd think that I’d have some answers but the black stares back and if and when the stars fall in line I'll have waited so long that I don’t think i’ll notice so can I bum a light, a smoke, some time, a shoulder a motive, a reason to try or prescription that makes this alright on the inside Well, he darkens my doorstep again can't he just wait ’til I finish breakfast he’s only been gone for a week the seasons he leaves getting shorter and shorter between I can’t keep him at bay and I can't make sense of my senses when they drift away every time it’s the same you’d think that by now I would know how to turn him away and he knows that all it takes is some twisting to turn me from washing the dishes to sifting Netflix after too many days you’d think I’d learn a lesson but the Big Bad is back and if and when I do fall in line I’ll have laid here so long that my limbs will be useless so can I get a light, a smoke, some time, a shoulder a motive, a reason to try give me something that makes me feel right on the inside
8.
I stopped smoking marijuana got addicted to chicken pho now I head to bed before Taco Bell closes I’m so goddamn grown up maybe now I could call my mother someday other than her birthday start a pension, or exercising, stop being so dependent live for someone else, something bigger than myself like Hell, I’d tell a friend secrets that don’t reflect my better sense God forbid that they’d catch wind of what I really think and when the awful truth decides to bubble to the surface contest its existence dress it up in excuses and let ‘em try to sift through the pieces let ‘em try to piece together meaning let ‘em try to think they make a difference let ‘em try let ‘em try I took a sip of liquid courage you know I never liked the hard stuff good news the billboard says, says ”don’t be disappointed the road to happiness, is the first exit on the left" I nail myself against the cross need some help to drive the last one can you swing a hammer with your mouth shut? at least I’ve got something to fall back on is that not better off? not like that time I got so high I thought I died and gone to Utah I tried to find my way back home by sleeping on the futon not once had I thought of how I got there in the first place if I could fix myself and not be right well, I'd stay broken but I tried to sift through the pieces and I tried to find some other meaning and I tried to think I make a difference and I tried at least a couple times
9.
Say It... 03:16
Say it like you mean it Say it again with feeling Say it like you would on rooftops Like you’ve got a pair of lungs that won’t give up
10.
when I finally get steady and back on my feet and I convince me to come back to the party I should probably keep my mouth shut It would be best to keep it empty cause the things that I've been thinking aren't fit for company and I don't think they could handle it if they could I'd just be bitter cause I can't so don't you dare diminish it and label it self pity cause I've been there before and this is different scenery trees have fallen in the driveway the alley's overrun with weeds and I can't take the sidewalk while the memories flood the streets there's a little box that weighed too much we carried it up the mountain and we buried it underground deep as my fingers would allow there's a hole it left uncovered and I can't dig it out now the sound that parted clouds only brings me down so it goes... until it won't
11.
I'm the Marlboro man without the cowboy hat. I'm a charlatan without the bag of tricks. I'm wear for the worst, and better than most, a restless soul with no place to go, I'm shelter in bad weather. I don't think so… I'm the fucking storm. Without within. Without a doubt. Without within without, Oh, I am without within without a doubt. I'm stuck together like the pages of a Playboy that I stuffed under my mattress in 1997. And I date myself with references that came before the internet. A self-emptying prophecy, a real romantic comedy starring me and myself as star crossed lovers in the leads, with a cliché happy ending too explicit for TV. And I’m always going to be a self-indulging, self-loathing, self-helping, self-hurting, barely me human being. So I cover it up with opinions of the things I like to love like paintings, television or fucking with the lights on food, my dogs, or songs or long drives with that special someone talking about nothing and eventually no one can see what's buried underneath not even me and I can sleep
12.
Hail, Mary 04:06
Hey, it's me. I think that the two years needs, at least, a carefully worded plea... That brings me to this voicemail-- a fool's run to sum up the greatest thing that I've ever been a part of-- I'll try to refrain from sentiment, to stay on track, and authentic. No promises. You can brighten any room-- heighten the moods of those around you with barely a move. When your face lights up. I'm reminded that life just might have a bright side. That's not something I can give back-- not in a well rehearsed phone call. Or painting, or sonnet, or a John Cusack-ian rain-soaked run to the airport. I'm destined to fall short. Okay, so I might be on the verge of sentiment... Let me rein it in a bit... You've got the sweetest pair of tits. And that's no rock fact. That’s a fact fact. I can't imagine a life without you, and I don't want to. All sappiness aside, you’re the best thing I've had to call mine. I could go on about your qualities. But that seemed cheap, and could never quite convey just what you mean to me. I love you, sure as I am of anything, I do. Please come back.

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released January 13, 2017

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